Dear Christian Singles

teaching, correction, and a word from the Lord on dating in the end times

To my brothers and sisters. May this teaching bless you, equip you, fortify you, and remind you of your love for God and the things that matter most.

- Love, Autumn

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This all began with seeing yet another believer lament about “Christian dating,” this time on Substack. I got to enjoy eleven days as a new author on this app before seeing what I always see: Christians lamenting about dating and the state of dating in the body of Christ. And as a believer who’s been single for thirty years, this was the tipping point. Dating (and marriage) seems to be the one topic every unwed Christian is supposed to always be obsessed with and faith-without-worksing into fruition in every season of their waking life, and thus it comes up. Daily, actually. Or at least it does for Christian women.

From app to app, small group to small group, group text to private text, and church to church in city after city (I’ve been sent out a lot ok), THAT is the conversation I am always roped into. And I was apart of the lamenting for a while; then I matured. I’ll be a listening ear but I have nothing new to commiserate about as I’m focused on running my best race. There is no block to spin nor a talking stage to dissect when waiting on the Lord, and I prefer it that way. To be holy is to be set apart, after all.

But why I’m single is a story for a different day. Today is about you. Whether you are content in your singleness, deeply frustrated in singleness, married and nosy, or unsaved and nosy, please know that I am here to communicate a word from the Lord, elaborate through the Holy Spirt, and back it with the Word. That is it. Pray, be open, actually read this all the way through (there is encouragement!), and test the Spirit. May you come into knowledge and understanding on “Christian dating” that is biblical and holy rather than more opinion, hot takes, and misguidance that keeps the children of God bound.

Word of the Lord + Vision/Illustration

To prepare for this piece, I talked out loud about it to God just to clear my head and make room. I then finally asked the Lord on Friday evening what He wanted to say about dating. He wasted no time:

Tell My children: your lack of discipline stems from a lack of devotion to Me. Everything flows from your devotion to Me. Your lack of devotion can only be solved by spending enough time with Me. I will order your steps if you let Me.

I was shocked, but by the fact that I too was getting rebuked while receiving a message for everyone else. So I said, “Ok Lord so what’s the connection between dating and discipline?”

This was His reply:

A disciplined disciple doesn’t need to date. They just need to be launched. I don’t have a problem launching any of My children- they just need to submit and obey. And that’s the stumbling block many cannot get past. How many launches have I aborted? None. How many launches have they aborted? Countless.

I audibly gasped and as I sat back in my chair, I immediately heard in the spirit the sound a car makes when it’s stuck or stalling. That shrill whirring, where no matter how hard you try, it’s clear that the car can run but it won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. It then turned into an image: a Jeep wheel stuck in a mud-entrenched pothole, making a huge mess every time the driver turned the key. The image then zoomed out and became an aerial vision where I saw thousands of Jeep Wranglers in different colors in an Amazonian-like jungle in rows, ALL stuck whirring their engines in a disastrous orchestra. My heart then sank because I knew what it meant yet the drivers were unaware. And the Lord said,

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it? Imagine how I feel.

Some were yelling, some were crying, some were abandoning the vehicle, and others were straight up calling other drivers for help. Very few whipped out their phones to call God. But then there were the quiet drivers. The quiet drivers sat. They sat patiently, and they waited. Some actually sang and even appeared to be having fun. And then they suddenly got an idea within the Jeep.

And one by one, in the background, I could see the translucent, cloud-like hand of the Lord come and lift a specific Jeep by the back bumper out of its hole and gently place it on solid ground. The driver would weep and shout in gladness, and suddenly the Jeep was carefully backing out of the mud pit within the wilderness and then zooming throughout the jungle and ravine, happy as can be. But the rest of the Jeeps sat, and probably still are.

I thought He was done speaking as many hours had passed. I contemplated whether to ask what we’re all thinking: is dating a sin? I didn’t have to because the Spirit of the Lord interrupted and said,

Dating is not a sin, but it is not My will for My children. And they would know that if they would seek My heart and not their own.

Teaching and Correction

To start, this is NOT about courtship. Courtship in the kingdom of God is the intentional progression and escalation of a romantic relationship between a man and a woman after having received confirmation from the Lord that the two are each other’s spouses. This means BOTH parties are clear that the other person is their God-sent partner and they are journeying towards marriage. Many believe they need to convince the other of what God said but they do not. The Spirit can and will tell both parties at the right time in the right way that God wants. Colloquially, courtship is not that deep. As believers, though, we know that our connections are purposeful. We do not recreationally pursue others for sport, pleasure, experimentation, boredom, or self-gain. We are about the Father’s business, romance included.

Dating, on the other hand, is “to regularly spend time with someone you have a romantic relationship with” (Cambridge Dictionary). We have come to use the word relationship to refer to serious coupling; in actuality, it only means “the way in which two people are connected.” So, you and your siblings have a relationship, you and your colleagues have a relationship, and you and your grumpy neighbor have a relationship. You all have a connection. Now, many are probably asking: aren’t dating and courtship the same thing? To the world, yes. To God, no. To the world, courtship is a sweet, mild-mannered stage of getting to know another and a form of dating. To God, courtship is permitted progression towards marriage. Yes we live in a different culture than those in Scripture but we serve the same God. The Lord repeatedly emphasizes purity, fidelity, faithfulness, and the consequences of unclean covenants in the Word, all of which can be made or broken by the worldly custom of dating. Ultimately, if we are not of the world and the Lord is saying it is not His will for His children to date, then putting it all together means: it is not His desire that we regularly spend time with any and every man or woman that we have a romantic nature towards.

Our baseline assumption in the church is that a Christian couple is dating to marry and if they are together, they are indeed progressing to marriage. They are not “seeing where things go,” “just having fun,” or “really liking each other but he/she isn’t sure.” They’re all in and they have God’s approval. Otherwise, they’re not together in the first place. Yet this is where we are getting into trouble: that’s an assumption and not a fact. Many believers are pairing themselves without God’s blessing and permission or recreationally spending time with anyone of the opposite sex that they have a romantic inclination toward. We cannot honestly say that every believer that’s dating is dating to marry. And we definitely cannot say that every date is a God ordained courtship ready for takeoff. It’s pleasure and self-gratification that we hope will be something more but makes no promises. It’s wonderful to be wanted, feel all the feels, get dressed up, and wonder about what could be. But at the end of the day, the unseen is more important than what’s seen. Any romantic link that is NOT an ordained marriage in the spiritual realm is a no-go because Christian romance stems from marriage. Thus, you would need to seek the Lord beforehand to not only prevent heartbreak and time wasted, but to guarantee that you are not dishonoring another covenant or your own. It is dishonourable to be spending quality time with someone else’s future wife or husband at the movies, in the park, out for dinner, or over coffee when you don’t have to be. Especially for a third, fourth, fifth, or thirty-ninth time.

But that’s not our vibe, right? We “need to know that we know.” We want to be sure. We’ve already decided without God that we should be allowed to ask out (or go out with for women) whoever for however long until we decide the quality of the match. And if it does or doesn’t make sense to us in our own understanding based on the arbitrary reasons we decided in college, after a bad breakup, or after watching some viral sermons- only sometimes the Word- theeeen we will let go. Their purpose, your purpose, the needs of the kingdom, and the will of the Lord in the run-up to the second coming of Christ is not on your mind. But could it be that it’s on God’s mind, and it should thus be on yours too?

When God says we do not need to date, that means He is sovereign all on His own, can execute His plans without “Christian dating,” and prefers it that way. There is no need for a child of His to recreationally spend time with everyone they have a romantic interest in or pursue pursue pursue until they get a pick they personally really like. He wants to give us the perfect match (for those called to marriage) and accomplish His perfect will in our lives WITHOUT us trying to control, meddle, or override. For if you obey wholeheartedly and trust that He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, you will find yourself constantly aligned and positioned to encounter His absolute best for you in every area of your life. The problem is the ‘we’ in question: disciplined disciples. God is that precise and profound that He can speak volumes in such a short whisper. If it’s not God’s will for His children to date and there’s no need if you’re a disciplined disciple, that means one of two things: either believers feel the need to date because they have not matured into disciples or those that are disciples don’t have the discipline they think they do. Regardless, the answer lies in what the Lord said: a lack of devotion.

This letter is not to condemn but rather to challenge long-held beliefs about “Christian dating” that have repeatedly gripped and divided the Church by clarifying it with the source: Yah. Can it be enough for us that God dislikes something and prefer that we not do it? Can we be content in going God’s way by partnering with His plan rather than competing with it? Do we need to regularly slip into rebellion and idolatry before we obey or can we take heed and let a person or idea go the first time? Why do we enjoy learning the hard way? Could it be that God in His infinite majesty and goodness made His standard simple on purpose and we’re complicating things once again? If godly love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things, then I question our love for God if disappointing Him, resisting Him, or grieving Him means nothing to us. We say we love Him as we seek our own way and then have the audacity to all but say, “Is there a problem?” Actually, yes. Yes there is.

Gentleman Debunked

A common Christianese saying is that God is a gentleman, a scam that has led many into treating the Alpha and the Omega like a sweet summer child that needs to stay out of grown folks’ business. A gentleman is defined as “a man who is polite and behaves well towards other people, especially women.” As a woman of God in the fivefold ministry that’s been saved for decades and submitted for the past eight plus years, allow me to be the first to let you know: God is not a gentleman. He will:

• wake you up in the middle of the night to pray (and refuse to let you fall back asleep until you do)

• Tell you to change your diet (and cause you to get sick from said food if you don’t)

• Demand you quit your job despite the plans you had for it

• Cause you to leave school despite the plans you had for it

• Have you go back to school despite what you’d rather be doing

• Tell you to leave a romantic union (and have them break up with you if you don’t or make it so unbearable “all of a sudden” that you’re left with no choice)

• Call you to move to a city, state, or country you know nothing about

• Call you out with the truth which hurts your feelings

• Not take no for an answer

• Bring you to the end of yourself in order to get you to submit to His will

• Allow your suffering to linger in order to develop your character

• Dole out consequences when you do the opposite of what He told you to do

• Interrupt your day and convict you to go out of your way to bless someone, encourage someone, call someone, prophesy, pray, or lay hands

• Ask you to do something that’s so crazy and such a sacrifice that it could only be God

And this is just a brief list! It is far from exhaustive. Life would be incredibly simple if God was a gentleman but alas. I serve the Creator, not the other way around. He cares for me, but not to the point where He will restructure the kingdom to keep me happy. And if I love the Lord and respect Him, I’m actually ok with that. I am not looking for areas of my life to challenge God in or to reserve for myself while He has authority à la carte. We do have free will, but God has a funny way of orchestrating all things behind the scenes in such a seamless style that brings His will to pass no matter what, keeping all the jars of clay in check. See Moses, Jonah, Judah, New Testament Joseph, and Paul to name a few. They had their life plans turned upside down by God and their no didn’t cut it.

God is not a gentleman; He is a strategist, and our Father. He is also incredibly bossy, opinionated, persistent, imposing, and clever, and that’s why He’s the best. Many think if God doesn’t immediately pull the plug on something He’s all for it when that’s simply not true. He let Moses chill in Midian for 40 years, watched Saul be deceived and put believers to death, noted Jonah as he packed up shop for Tarshish, and the list goes on. These men made choices and God, being His wonderful ungentlemanly self, shut it down. Moses did all that arguing only to still go back to Egypt and step into his calling. Saul got saved, became THE Apostle Paul, and had one of the most impactful ministries of all time despite being a felon. And Jonah suddenly had a revelation of God’s goodness and mercy after that brush with death in the belly of a whale. Our free will has not and will continue to not override God’s sovereignty. God being a gentleman is not backed up by the Word but notice how Him being the supreme strategist is:

• “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” - Jeremiah 33:3

• “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” - Jeremiah 55:8-9

• “God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” - Numbers 23:19

• “Not one of all the Lord’s good promises to Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.” - Joshua 21:45

• “As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” - Isaiah 55:10-11

• “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” - Proverbs 19:21

• “Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.” - Psalms 127:1

Many Christians have tried to date and choose their spouse, which is how many Christians then have exes, situationships, co-parenting arrangements, blended families, divorces, called-off engagements, bitterness, unforgiveness, and broken hearts. Not because human beings are that nasty, but because God is beholden to His word and His will. Feelings get hurt in the kingdom because we want what we want when we want it and how we want it but God isn’t a butler. He’s Jehovah. Things have to happen to get everyone back on track. Consequences come in, but none of it is so irredeemable that God can’t use it. That’s where Romans 8:28 comes into play. Our pain and heartbreak are not God’s desire but He will allow it if necessary, then flip it for His glory, and weave it into the ultimate plan He has for each of our lives. Yes, there are believers who got a traditional love story after spending a great amount of time dating around and putting God to the test. But is that what we’re after? Forcing God into a box due to our lack of faith, patience, vision, and trust? Is marriage for our edification or His? And does our road to marriage require our control or our surrender?

Why You Don’t Let Go But Should

How did it become a God-given right to us to date yet dating remains an oddity to the Lord? Let’s talk about it. We assume our “right to choose” will not only fare well but will get us blessed, but that’s not necessarily true. A lot of our choices are made from motives and imprints left on us from past people, places, seasons, and experiences. Dating isn’t any different and often turns into a form of escapism, idolatry, and coping. We then double down on it by doing it over and over and over again with new people who are also doing it over and over again. We feel secure when we get our way, see results, and get affirmation from others, but our actual security is still found in Christ. It’s not in a career, job title, bank account and routing number, a social media platform, or a relationship stage. It’s Christ alone. My pastor preached on this today and said, “In a world that seeks this sort of [false] freedom and independence and mastery, this can only lead to worlds that fracture more and more. See if everyone believes they’re their own masters and have a right to autonomy, that can only end in strife and battles and breakdown in societies and wars.” Again, dating is not a sin. But our obsession with control and autonomy is. Its name is pride. And pride causes you to not only distrust God but to compete with Him and defy Him. Dating has become a must in our minds under the rouse that we’re helping things along and activating our faith. Meanwhile, God is calling it unnecessary. Even reading that earlier on I’m sure caused people to either click out or run to fight in the comments. But God said what He said. There is a better way, and although we think what society has taught us is it, it’s not. There’s no shame in that but it will require humility to discover the Lord’s way and carry that out instead.

Another point that’s often overlooked with “Christian dating” and could be a major reason why God doesn’t like it is that “Christian dating” WILL affect your spiritual hygiene. In an effort to get to know someone, you both have to spend time together and be vulnerable. And if we’re being honest, some people are doing more of their inner work than others. Please know that for every person you are talking to (texts, phone calls, dates, etc.), you are engaging with everything attached to them in the spiritual realm. You may be clean as a whistle, but are they? You may know your purpose but does he/she and are they graced to birth yours with you? Even when we lose friendships, we think about how much we know about them and they us despite all this love and facts having nowhere to go anymore. Dates produce the same thing. While I have never been on a date where I sensed they were demons, monitoring spirits, or unclean spirits present, I know that feeling of getting too close and it sucks. I even get an uneasiness and danger danger feeling in my spirit when unsaved men ask for my number or my Instagram. Some will write that off because said men aren’t saved but those same warning bells do happen between believers. It’s just in other ways- our spirits are truly that sensitive.

I’ll never forget being 18 and exuberantly telling the Christian guy I had been entangled with (for a year and a half at that point) where I was committing for college and getting a less than enthused reaction. He was concerned with the difficulty of Carnegie Mellon and in a roundabout way trying to get at whether I could handle it. I joked it off but inside, I was really hurt. My own parents didn’t believe in me so that on top of it struck a cord and I felt disrespected like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. We were coming out of the same prestigious private school, he knew I was smart, and he had gotten a full ride to his dream school. So what was the problem? I kept thinking, “This is God’s plan for me though and I can do it! I thought you’d be happy for me…” The knife twist came when that same weekend, I ran into a Christian guy friend at senior prom; he had been a friend to both of us and then stopped when said entanglement started. So imagine my surprise when he spotted me, was genuinely happy to see me, greeted me, made it a point to ask me about college, and was blown away with the news. It was a beautiful moment that made me want to cry, both because I felt so seen/ affirmed and the irony was cruel. I thought, “So if he of all people is happy for me, why aren’t you? Who would’ve thought…” I’m not sure if it was jealousy, envy, or something else, but the whole thing was a red flag and the first time I couldn’t pretend that I was making a mistake by wanting a future with this man. Twelve years and several degrees later, I’m very happy I ended it because I could’ve never been who God needed me to be had I continued to compromise. Someone can be a great child of God and still be used by the enemy to derail your assignment, keep you in a cycle, say a word curse that will stick with you long after they’re gone, or get you to forego your purpose rather than birth it. For some of you, that is literal and your future child is so critical in God’s plan that permissive will simply won’t do so your love life has no wiggle room. God allowed me to choose and experience foolery so that I could see it would bring disaster and I deserved better. I was broken, selfish, prideful, and unaware of my worth, which put me in a two and a half year saga but resulted in me realizing, “Oh I can choose wrong. No more.”

A final reason I believe “Christian dating” is the phenomena that it is is due to the “results” we see it produce for others. But as many a parent has said, “If they jump off a bridge, are you going to jump too?” Whether they’re aware or not, married saints around us tend to be our role models and even benchmark. This can lead to envy, jealousy, covetousness, deception, and entitlement amongst singles. Because we are playing the comparison game, we fall into the trap of desiring the outcomes of others rather than submitting to God’s process about our own. The logic is “well if it worked for them, it should work for me” and “if these people are happily married and met x way and at y age, then I can do that too.” Or the infamous “why not me,” “God when,” and “what am I doing wrong.” Then if the process doesn’t match the expectations we got from someone else, we’re mad. That’s actually crazy when we know how creative, innovative, attentive, specific, and supernatural God is. Good for those that met in a tried and true way. Let’s see what new God wants to do for you. Is that allowed? For us to go sit down so that God can give it to us when it’s perfect, ready, and mind-blowing? Imagine being the Creator of the world, existing outside of time, and watching millions of your children only have the faith for meeting the one at church, college, or the grocery store and teaching each other to do the same. You’d tell them to cut it out too! May we get free of romanticizing the ways in which we see others blessed, whether saved or unsaved, and no longer assume how it looks for the masses is how it will look and be for us. We are not in these people’s marriage beds, did not say their vows, aren’t inside their minds and hearts, and aren’t a fly on the wall in their walks with God. All that glitters is not gold and the same way we can learn from married couples is the same way they can learn from us.

The Actual Priority

I think the most telling aspect of what God said above isn’t about dating. It’s about disciple-hood. A disciple in the Bible is a devout follower of Christ who has dropped his or her nets to happily go with the way and do what the Lord leads no matter the cost. They looked at the equation, did the math, carried the one, and came to the conclusion that the narrow path is the way EVEN IF it costs them everything. That could mean decades of singleness. Never getting married. Getting married but getting unexpectedly widowed. Health battles that persist. Leaving families and friendships. Never being financially wealthy. Years and years of obscurity in your career. Not getting a career because you’re called to ministry. Seasons of homelessness. And the list goes on. Devotion causes you to love God enough to not mind the wait, the suffering, and the lack of movement. You serve and obey out of love and trust rather than gain and attention. So if you believe yet you’re committed to staying in control, you are not a disciple and there are bigger issues going on here. The overemphasis on free will has always been odd to me because at the end of the day, you died with Christ. To refresh everyone, the Word says:

• “For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.” - Romans 6:6-11

• “You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.” - Romans 6:18

• “Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” - Colossians 3:2-4

• “‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.” - 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

• “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” - Matthew 16:24-25

This life is not ours anymore. We will give account on Judgment Day and we do set an example for each other as well as the world in all that we say, do, wear, watch, attend, and give credence to. We technically can do a lot of things, but how God feels about it should prompt us to pause and seek Him about all of our desires and choices. The heart is deceitful after all. Ultimately, a believer’s devotion comes out of honor to the One who paid it all and reverence to the great I AM that sent Him. If you lack the willingness to surrender and obey in all facets of your life, you lack a revelation. And more blessings and promises fulfilled won’t give you that. Only time with Him can.

I challenge whoever is saved and reading this to sincerely ask yourself: when is the last time you died for Christ and is every aspect of your life on the altar? I firmly believe the wheels are stuck for thousands of believers (which then results in the subsequent bad behavior, breakdowns, toiling, and exasperation) because they don’t understand how much God loves them. You are loved and valued enough to be brought to a screeching halt in order to take time to come into the knowledge that your perspective and or approach to something is off. We can’t really say what in us needs to be transformed the way God can. We lack the capacity to see ourselves that fully because we don’t have His omniscience and blueprint. And if we’re going there, many people reading this could not handle God telling them today who their spouse will be. They would not go God’s way, wait for the appointed time, respect the process God is unfolding in both people’s lives, and deny all other “options.” And if said revealed spouse is not the specified race, height, nationality, body type, profession, and tax bracket as requested, many will reject God’s best. Especially if that individual will cause them to be talked about by their family, the church, or social media. They may abandon God altogether. Being open to the truth takes humility, submission, and a soft heart, none of which happens overnight.

More often than not, there are often lingering strongholds and insecurities that God wants to rectify in singleness in order for said marriage to work. We are then in the mudpit by design so that we can be renewed well. From unforgiveness to pride to people pleasing to selfishness, there ARE things that can be cleaved season to season that will do us a world of good once married. It’ll do us a world of good now if we’re being honest. Believe it or not, that’s the most common thing married saints have told me privately and publicly when I asked if there’s anything they would do differently before marriage: doing the inner work that they avoided and chose not to do. The other common answer is not having spent enough time deeply knowing the Lord and themselves. So I believe the mudpit doesn’t represent singleness, but rather spiritual timeout overall. Like the pit in NASCAR or Formula 1. I wanted to fact check this for myself and Ms. Google said, “In NASCAR, pit stops are crucial for refueling, changing tires, and making adjustments, directly impacting a driver's race strategy and performance. A well-executed pit stop can gain a driver valuable track position, while a poor one can lead to significant losses.” Could it be that you’re spinning your wheels over “Christian dating,” singleness, or another area of your life because you are not utilizing your pit stop? You’re being stopped to better yourself and improve safely rather than proceed dangerously. That sounds like love to me.

And once we’re stopped, we can really get underneath the hood if we embrace the process. Is the desire to be married still about the Lord or now just you? Do you still want the marriage if preparing for it requires letting go of the city, state, country, industry, title, family, friend group, or lifestyle you’re accustomed to? Will you still be faithful to God if He doesn’t perform His word in your 20’s (or 30’s or 40’s or 50’s in some cases)? Will you forsake Him if you and your future spouse are graced to go through something really serious (ie. death of a child, murder, torture, false imprisonment, permanently caring for a loved one, cancer, lupus, etc.)? We are more than conquerors and He will not remove every thorn from our side when we want and how we want. Two things can be true at the same time. You will still be expected to fight the good fight of faith whether you marry correctly or incorrectly. One of these just makes it far smoother, and He wants us to be ready and sober-minded about what’s to come and the part we’re meant to play in it. That takes us back to who we’re becoming now.

Conclusion and Encouragement

Being a Christian single doesn’t mean we don’t know who we are, what we want, how to “pick,” or that we’re delusional for not putting ourselves out there everyday. It just means we are without a partner, and that is ok until if/when God says otherwise. I for one believe it is an honor and a privilege to be set apart for God’s glory in the department of marriage and family. People need to witness and experience a love so powerful, holy, and divine that they actually meet God and crave more. I want my union to set the captives free. I want people to encounter the Lord when my future spouse and I walk into a boardroom, hospital, school, or event. I want my husband to be just as down for my purpose as I am and know I’m all in on his purpose with him. If miracles, signs, and wonders don’t follow us everywhere we go, I don’t want it. I live the life of a disciple so I only know how to go from faith to faith and glory to glory. Anything less than that would be a downgrade because my life as a Christian single shouldn’t outpace my life as a Christian wife. There should be more fire, more power, more dominion, more miracles, and more authority. But I guess that’s just a me thing and why I remain yielded to God’s choice. What I do know is marriage is a gift and a calling, not a right or a game. May we treat marriage with holiness, honor, and gratitude before a sheet of paper tells us we are a husband or wife. And that’s guaranteed if I go with God’s will rather than mine.

If you know you want to be married and or that God has promised that to you, please act accordingly. Pursuing someone is not wisdom if God isn’t in it. Spending your free time sitting across from people that are your siblings and not your spouse is a risky self-imposed extracurricular, not a holy mandate. Having a full calendar of dates isn’t a flex, it’s a distraction. If a disciplined disciple just needs the right launch, then it’s all the more paramount to be submitted and rooted in Christ. What you lack in “dating experience” can be made up for through healing and maturing done in therapy, ministry, serving, wilderness, spiritual revelation, and embracing each season as it comes. And to everyone still asking, “Well how will I know if they’re the one if I don’t date?” the answer is discernment and the ability to hear God’s voice. They will become razor sharp as you are immersed in God’s word and His presence through stillness, prayer, worship, and the removal of outside influence. God can prevent you from marrying the wrong person but it will require us to accept His answer. The final batch of Scriptures I wanted to leave are about wisdom and knowledge. Prayerfully, this letter aided in that because ultimately the Lord desires for us to be on His page with Him:

• “All a person’s ways may seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord.” - Proverbs 16:2

• “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” - 2 Chronicles 7:14

• “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. ‘Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children.’” - Hosea 4:6

• “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” - Proverbs 9:10

• “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” - Jeremiah 29:13

• “I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.” - Proverbs 8:17

• “Then Moses said to him, ‘If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.’” - Exodus 33:15

• “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” - Matthew 6:33

Don’t yearn more than you’re yielding. Or it will lead to impatience, despair, frustration, and distance from God that will cause you to act out of fear and curiosity rather than faith and certainty. It may not happen how you want or when you think, but He will complete the good work He began in you. The failure to launch that the Lord is referring to isn’t that we’ve missed out on multiple opportunities at love, but that the ideal routes to get thousands to their respective harvest gets destroyed by their own hands. So the Lord then patiently waits for us so that we don’t perish (2 Peter 3:9). The ministry you haven’t started, the content you won’t post, the book you won’t write, the people you won’t separate from, and the geographical move you won’t make could very well be the vehicle designed to get you to your promises. Or could be your newest, quickest reroute at the very least. Yet it’s getting aborted season after season while creation is steadily waiting for us to be revealed and take our place. Please don’t let that be you- allow God to work even when you don’t understand so that the glory can be birthed and poured out in its fullest.

I leave you with this: Adam didn’t pick, he recognized. He quite literally found his wife without even searching. So for all the Proverbs 18:22 truthers out there, peep the level of looking that was going on (see also Isaac, Samson before he got turned out, and Jacob before he got played). The theme is unction not universality. There was no alternative to Eve because there wasn’t one. It was God’s will or bust and that tends to be the case in the kingdom. Adam had a revelation that Eve was his wife without knowing what a wife was, having seen other women, discussing it with the homies, or even having any other human connection to judge it off of to say Eve is a sister vs mother vs wife vs friend. That’s pretty remarkable when you think about it, and a prime example of God’s design at work. Adam was in purpose and devoted to God, and out of compassion and love, God created Eve and brought her to Adam’s “doorstep.” Simplicity and ease. Imagine that.

Being on fire for God and living a life of surrender, obedience, and trust is the fastest way to any promise regardless of how the enemy or culture makes it seem. The heavy burden that “Christian dating” has been for many is not an accident or a fluke; it is a clarion call to rest and return to where the yoke is easy and the burden is light. And if that’s not enough to convict you, know that the drama ceases when the dysfunction does. The peace that it is to wait on God and let Him lead as supposed to endless striving is so blissful, you will never look back. And know that you’re getting closer to your spouse everyday simply by time passing, God being faithful to perform His word, and the batting average of your obedience- not through your rizz or your roster.

God has your love life under control. He has your address, He’s phenomenal at running the show, and He’s excellent at pulling up. Trust me: He won’t forget to bless you.

Now please step away from the kitchen and let your Father cook. The laborers and I could really use you out here in the field.

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Overarching Themes:

• Jeremiah 29:11 (His plans)

• 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (what love is)

• Genesis 2 (the original marriage)

• Hosea 2 (how we cheat on God anyway and He corrects us)

And whoever read this all the way through, especially out of support and enjoyment rather than necessity and conviction, thank you thank you thank you. I merely aim to do the work of the Lord as best as I can, as much as I can. And the enemy was really trying to psych me out about publishing this but who the Son sets free is free indeed. The devil is defeated once more.