Invisible Stocking

a Christmas poem

Maybe we’ll finally get to meet our ‘one day.’

Maybe next year
is the year

That I hold you
Caress you
treasure you
and honor you

And I can’t be sure
but I have a stocking
just in case

You would be two
she would be new
and I’d hold you both
so warmly and tightly
until my might gave out
and your chubby little fingers
signaled ok ma’am that’s enough

But instead
I’ll just hug
the little boys at church
Tell them how cool they are
and ask them their
hopes and dreams until
I get to hear yours

You would’ve flown in
I would’ve picked you up
and you’d tell me all about
the layovers, the smelly men,
the charming stewardess,
and the hope it all gave you-
If only just to get away-
and I’d hold you both
so warmly and tightly
until my might gave out
and your weathered long fingers
signaled ok ma’am that’s enough

But instead
I’ll just hug
the parents all around me
tell them how wonderful they are
and ask them their
plans and wishes since
I’ll never get to see yours

You would’ve moved here
I would’ve put you up
and you’d tell me all about
how the weather is so
much better here, as is
the food, the wine, the politics,
and the economy too
although you miss where you grew up
and stability it all gave you-
if only just as an illusion-
but I’d remind you that
You deserve this too
and maybe this is what God meant
by your latter days
being the better days
since you get Autumn years
and autumn rains
and I’d hold you both
so warmly and tightly
until my might gave out
and your wrinkled veined fingers
signaled ok ma’am that’s enough

But instead
I’ll just hug
all the elderly in my building
and tell them how funny they are
the way their daughters don’t
and their sons won’t
and ask them their
stories and lasts since
I’ll never get to hear yours

And you would’ve been there
for it all
And it would be
such a big deal to you
to meet them all
hold them all
laugh with them all
cook with them all
So you would’ve gotten a haircut
Because you love the way I love it
and worn your best sweater
Because you love the way I
tenderly made it
And been on your best behaviour
Because you love the way you’re
all I talk about
And they don’t know anything
about your culture except from
the media so this is
actually a big deal as
we need a dose of world peace
and a swirl of unity
and a scoop of understanding
with a dash of patience and
a cup of grace to sprinkle on the side

I actually wouldn’t even
have to tell you it’s important
because you would just know
Black people don’t play about the holidays
Americans don’t play about the holidays
And I-
after all I’ve been through,
prayed through,
and suffered through-
will especially not play about the holidays
but I sense that
you love that about me?
But I guess we’ll see

If and when that day comes
and who’s still here by the time
it does
and I’d hold you alone
so warmly and tightly
until my might gave out
and your rugged gentle fingers
signaled ok ma’am that’s enough

But instead
I’ll just nod
at all the couples finding me
and tell them how lovely they are
and pray they get married if
this is really it
and finally let go if
this really isn’t
and so I ask them their
goals and quirks to
help me forget
what it’s like to feel yours

I actually don’t have
the budget for all this
I can’t factor in
that much love,
that much joy,
that much hope,
that much overflow
because that’s a good problem
and no price is too much

I hope I never run out
of stockings to
hang everything onto
because otherwise
what’s the point?
I need to see my faith
my grief
my perseverance
and my relief
until that fateful day
where it’s full of
our faith
our memories
our determination
and our belief

Isn’t that beautiful?
The way they all hang
in a row
so divinely and pristinely
orderly and breathtakingly
There’s something so
holy about the dreams
woven into
a seemingly ordinary stocking
which is why I’ll be ok
for however long it takes
to become real

So maybe next year
is the year

That I unhook you
Release you
forget you
and free you

Because that’s what
they all tell me to do
To live in the present
Be in the moment
And take things as they come
But I can’t be sure
Because none of them
love you like I do

So I have a stocking
just in case
Who am I
without one